A belated Fourth of July missive
“Freedom … is not an endlessly expanding list of rights — the ‘right’ to education, the ‘right’ to food and housing. That’s not freedom, that’s dependency. Those aren’t rights, those are the rations of slavery.” P.J. O’Rourke
Each year I do an Independence Day column. The Fourth of July snuck up on me this year. I guess I missed America’s birthday because we are not friends on Facebook to remind me.
So, this is a bit tardy. Yet it is an important time of year. The patriotism and national pride in this one day are important for our kids; it almost undoes one semester of public-school teaching during the year.
Independence Day, a great American tradition, which combines three things we like: eating, alcohol, and fireworks. Set against the pent-up tension of having to be around all your relatives in scorching heat with dubious potato salad, what could be better than to add drinking and explosives to the mix?
My family has great memories on the Fourth. We drank, and then Uncle Mac (my “Drunkle” may he RIP) did his one-man fireworks show. His eye-patch reminded us of past such endeavors. Nothing brings back Fourth of July memories like hearing the kids say, “Quick, ice down Mac’s fingers and let’s get him to the emergency room. I hope they can sew them back on again. Tell Dr. Seiler we are on the way.”
What we also like to do on Independence Day, after a few drinks, is to make prank calls to Queen Elizabeth.
The red-hot (never wrong) information machine, The CDC in Atlanta, warns us not to undercook our meat on July Fourth picnics for fear of bacteria-borne illnesses.
As a handy guide, it advises at barbeques that your steak might be under-grilled if you look up and it is eating your corn. For more helpful cooking tips, follow me online.
The nation celebrates Independence Day in different ways. In the patriotic South, we celebrate with picnics and family gatherings. In Democrat-dominated northern cities, they protest the lack of abortion rights for transgender people. In Chicago, they have extra gun violence on hot Fourth of July weekends. So many get shot in Chicago that it is mathematically safer to marry O.J. Simpson or to cross the Clintons, than to live in Chicago.
Our freedoms and history erode under Democrats and the woke crowd. An Ivy League school just removed a copy of the Gettysburg Address and a bust of Abraham Lincoln from their library. Remember, Abe was a Republican who freed the slaves. I am not sure how these woke dopes will explain the absence of his bust from the library. Perhaps they will say the national treasure decided to transition, into an empty pedestal that used to be an Abe Lincoln bust.
The woke wussies who abound, are not near the men we grew up admiring. Things have changed. Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steven Jobs were my intrepid heroes.
Now we have no cash, no hope, and few jobs. I hope the woke crowd on the Fourth doesn’t come after John Ham or Kevin Bacon next!
On the bright side, it looks like Democrats have screwed up about everything they have touched (the border, inflation, the stock market/economy, the Afghanistan pullout etc.) and will be swept out of office in November. This year, with gas prices the highest ever, it is cheaper to smoke grass, than to mow you grass.
But sadly, switching parties who run this country in November is like the movie Dumb and Dumber, when Lloyd switched with Harry the driving duties of their dirt bike across country.
Our Mother England is beset with their own problems. It has been reported the Prime Minister Boris Johnson impregnated his hairdresser during an affair. She’s leaving the country. In a more reasonable explanation, the sheer embarrassment of being outed as Boris Johnson’s hair stylist was enough to make her want to leave.
Above all else, our founders valued freedom. They did not write “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness unless offends somebody.” Their pursuit of happiness would not involve arresting us for not buying government-mandated health insurance or spending government resources to impede gay marriage. Remember, these men donned satin pedal pusher britches, wigs, fancy shoes, and ruffled shirts, and then fought their relatives in King George III’s army in bright red coats. Thus, they won our freedom – and a nomination for the first Oscar Award for Best Costume in a Drama.
Ron Hart is a syndicated op-ed humorist, award-winning author, and TV/radio commentator; you can reach him at [email protected] or Twitter @RonaldHart.